I have a new therapist. I didn't do any research about who she was. I just picked her name out of a list from my insurance company and hoped my finger had landed on the right spot before dialing the number to make an appointment.
It was all in good faith that I showed up last Thursday in her small office.
I was a little nervous when the intake form asked what church I went to and who my pastor was and I almost bolted for the door after she looked at my form and asked if I did "Women's Ministries" and then told me she was a graduate of Denver Seminary.
By the time I left I was glad I hung around. Although trying to explain United Methodist Polity to an 'outsider' made me even more convinced I was a member of a cult, that was definitely the only thing I had to put effort into explaining. My time with Carol was sort of like an hour with a psychic who knew how to listen. She made me feel a little less crazy and a little more validated. A lot more hopeful and a lot less alone.
She also gave me homework. She asked me to write down how I spent my time. What I did during the day, work and otherwise. I suppose it is to serve as proof that the way my life is now is unmanagable. That if I keep going at the pace I am going my life will control me, I will not control my life. And like any good student, I have totally procrastinated writing anything down. Waiting for a good day to start with. Maybe a day off? Or the day I remember to eat three meals and go to the gym. Or the day I say no to taking on one more project or one more task.
I am going to take a wild guess that Carol will not count "getting a coffee at Starbucks" as self-care. She might not buy my argument that phone calls and emails done at home don't really count as work time. I am guessing she won't buy any of the sick ways I negogiate how I spend my time just to tell myself I can keep up this pace I have set for myself. The pace that is set on the momentary high of the next accomplishment, the hope of the next praise. I like to accomplish things. I love to be praised.
So already, in not doing what my therapist has told me, I have had some important insights. Well, maybe I already knew all of this about myself but it was only my first session. And she is from Denver Seminary, afterall. (That is a little joke from an Iliff Grad). The truth is that I made the appointment because I know I have this huge gap between my life now and who I am and the life I would like and the person I hope to be and that what is holding me there is a deep fear that I am not good enough. But what motivated me to take the chance on the possibiltiy of person I have never met to help me was the reality that if I don't start to change, to REALLY change and not just know lots of crappy things about the way I am living my life, I might never model for my daughter a woman who is secure and confident in who she is not for what she does but just because she deserves to be loved and respected.
I've been here for an embarrasingly long time; the place where I see who I am and what I am doing. I even get why I am doing it. But I keep doing the same things over and over that keep me in the place I don't want to be. Living without grace. What an empty place to be. A land of no forgiveness. No room for mistakes. No time for living. But I can feel the call (God is using my middle name at this point) and I am ready to change. Even if that means taking some chances and learning some new lessons, falling on my face or bruising my knee. I think we all know I am far from perfect....there isn't really a facade to keep up. I just want to stop. And listen. And feel. Something that is so embarrassing to admit I have never felt as a pastor; the grace of the God and the salvation of my soul.
