I don't necessarily know what I want to write about. I should be sleeping. But I want to write. To be here with you. My reader. I have ten official followers. Two more and I believe I qualify as a prophet, so that is motivation right there.
Its been a trying week. On top of many trying weeks that have come before. No specifics. No complaints. Just observations. Reflections for words to come and support for things I may have written. That I have often expected most things to be much easier than I should have and I am beginning to come to a place of understanding that very little in life is easy. But most of all of it is worthwhile.
Have you ever had feelings that seemed so detached from the reality that existed around you (and you were not taking prescription medications) that you knew there wasn't any other explanation than the presence of God in your heart? Something like: Peace in Chaos? Hope in Despair? Happiness in Drudgery?
I think these experiences, though fewer than I would like, are the reasons why I have faith in a world that leaves so many behind. These rare instances that I wish I could bottle up and give out to others or stock up on the shelves of my pantry for times when all perspective is lost and things seem, well, too real. Its hard to explain. Almost impossible to feel like I am making any sense when I am talking about it but~
It's sort of like standing up on a cliff...or a mountain top. Alone. Looking down and seeing the whole big picture. Feeling small yet mysteriously important to all the intricacies that fill the valleys below.
Perhaps 'mountain top' is misleading because I don't feel great, or high, or like everything is fantastic. I don't want to run through the streets celebrating or rejoicing. I am not disconnected from the struggles around me, my own shortcomings or the moving obstacles waiting before me. Or even those so distant from my own life. But I do feel like I have surrendered...like floating face up in a lake on a warm Fall day. And I am just here. Finally. Just here. Until this too passes.
And yesterday as I was pondering how to explain the weird ways of these past few days the dumbest thought came to my head. I thought "It's like sometimes God gives you carrots so you can see a little better the work She is doing through you." I know its sort of a silly thing to think but it just popped in my mind and its as good as it gets when describing something of which I wish I could manufacture or replicate but can't even make enough sense of to accurately articulate: the tears that come to know that in some moments peace comes where there is no peace, love pours in where hatred resides, meaning rises up when chaos rules, and God comes alive in your heart to break you down only to build you back up in a single breath. And you're thankful. Just thankful. For nothing other than the passing touch of a Living God that calls to life your name and keeps you aware that in this great valley you have a view given to you to share with the world.
