About every three months John and I spend time looking for opportunities to serve as a missionary family. We inquire, we look, and we wait for God to whisper into our hearts, “Alright, go ahead.” Because we have strong calls to and visions of mission work, I truly believe someday something will fall into our laps, something will work out ‘just right,’ and we will know we are supposed to go.
In addition to all the logistical concerns I think about if this were to ever happen, I have also been contemplating my emotional ability to witness first hand people living in impoverished conditions. I have wondered; will my heart be able to carry the weight of a people left behind, unseen by the rest of the world? Or would I be crushed and ineffective?
I am standing in the church library finishing my lunch, looking out the window. In the parking lot a woman sets up a stroller and pulls her three year old daughter out of the car. I watch as the mother pushes her stroller toward the church. They come into the church office. A voice with traces of exhaustion and concern asks: “Does the church have any financial assistance they can provide?” The Office Manager, very kindly, says “No, we do not offer any type of assistance but there is a food bank at a nearby church on Fridays.” Overhearing this exchange, I walk into the office. I take one look at the little girl’s big brown eyes, her innocent smile, and my heart absolutely broke.
When they left empty handed I felt a huge surge of embarrassment, shame, and helplessness. I later discovered that the church used to give out $5 grocery cards and then it was decided that the program was too expensive so they ended it.
I never feel fear of God but I certainly feel when I screw up (some people call that sin). It takes a lot for me to want to hide from the face of Jesus. But yesterday I knew that in that moment, in our church office, God walked out with that mother and her baby.
I thought about it all afternoon, all night. The words echoed in my mind, "not enough money" and I started to feel frustrated. And then the thought entered my mind, “I think witnessing people in need not being taken care of when there is so much around to give is much more difficult than witnessing people working together to make something out of nothing.” It was about five seconds after the thought crossed my mind that another, more familiar thought occurred. You might know it, it is the “oh crap” moment when you realize OH, This is what you’re doing, God! And then immediately go “oh crap” because it is definitely a twisted version of what you had envisioned. And perhaps a much more challenging version of the way you had hoped to help.
It might sound weird but out of everything that happened yesterday what I have seen is that God has been telling me, “Oh, Stephanie, you are already on the mission field and it is because it weighs heavy on you emotionally that I need you here.” The thing that makes me disappointed with myself is that this wasn’t the first time, but the THIRD time someone has asked if our church could help them and I am just now getting it. It was like God said, “Alright child, I guess I will keep sending people until you get it.” And I got it, but only when it was a mother, like me, and a child, like Fiona, were turned away that I was able to feel God’s call upon my heart and know my mission in this place...
