So, all week I have been playing this game called, "I feel most myself when..." It's a sort of exercise I made up in response to feeling an uncomfortable disconnect between the person I feel like I must be to be a respected and loved mother, wife, and pastor and the person I am or ultimately wish I was. Complicate, I know. But, in short I have kept asking myself the question because the more I answer the question, the more I feel drawn to do those things, and act in those ways, which reflect the inner core of who I am. They might be silly things like...
I love wearing pajamas. And UGGs. UGGS or barefeet. I wish I could live in a place where I could wear a swimsuit in the day and pajamas at night. Basically, I guess that means I hate being dressed. I also hate cooking. I get irritated when John buys the Mac-n-Cheese with shaped noodles because they take too long to cook. I also refuse to microwave any pre-made meal with more than one step. I throw all my clothes on the floor in my room but I hate messiness. Still, I am an undeniably messy person.
...Nevertheless these little notes of personality and preferences serve as little compasses in reminding me of the person I am and the person I more fully hope to be: Me, just me, in spite of all the expectations and assumptions about who I should be or who I am both put on me from others and most importantly from myself. It is this awareness and acceptance of all the little things that make up the person I am that serve as anchors as I enter a new space of intense pressure that tempts me to be everything I am not.
I want to be a laid back hippie chick...which makes it a little difficult to embrace the incredibly intense and passionate perfectionist that I am. I wish I had a little less responsibility and a lot less pressure. I want to find some sort of balance in all the plethora of roles and responsibilities I find myself juggling on a daily basis, as opposed to this new normal of anxiously awaiting the moment when all the balls come crashing down on my head...or maybe just this realization that I have no idea how to juggle nor do I ever care to learn and I would just like to stop chasing all the balls around and sit with open hands receiving and giving the grace and love which has so freely been given to me.
I must sound very twenty-nine to you right now. But I would propose that no matter how old you are or how settled you feel it would be an adventure to play this game. So often we forget who we are in the pressure to be who we aren’t that it might just take putting together all the little things that make us who we are to build us back up to that person we are dreaming of being.
