If you have looked at my Facebook page this week you know that I purchased my daughter a V-Tech laptop this week. I have been thinking about doing it for awhile mainly because she has been jumping on my computer and then getting incredibly upset when I kick her off. I thought it would be cute for her to have her own little laptop so she could be just like mommy.
One of the most disappointing things I have learned about being a parent is kids are programmed by actions not words. They are little mirrors of all the stupid stuff we do. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the craziest mommy of all." Well after this whole laptop computer week we can all point the finger at yours truly because apparently, if my daughters actions mean anything, I am a workaholic tyrant.
At first it was cute. Us sitting together both typing away. Me floating back and forth between the church website I am creating and Facebook. Her playing little letter and number games. I was actually surprised by how much she was entertained by it since it said 3 years and up on the box...(which I would be lying if I did not admit I proudly thought "wow my kid is a genius!") But then she decided she needed to be on her play phone and typing. And then she refused to go to bed without both next to her. And then in the morning when I told her it was time to eat breakfast in my cheery mommy voice she glared at me while on her laptop and in this deep grainy voice yelled, "I am working!" I now realize that it is quite possible my daughter has turned into Gollam from Lord of the Rings: the VTech laptop is her precious.
It is hard to be a working mom. *It's hard to be a mom regardless, but the guilt of being a working mom sticks to my heart like gravy. I try to work at home as much as I can because I feel guilty for not being home when I am at work which triggers this feeling like I need to do more work to make up for not being at work and its just this sick cycle of trying to be the mom I want to be and the pastor I want to be: neither of which are realistic for a person who needs to sleep or eat or use the bathroom. If I could cut those things out I might be successful. Probably not.
So witnessing my daughter yell at her dad and I to "Stop It!" when we kissed goodbye because she was "working!" as she officially became a total insane maniac Precious on her lap was pretty much the equivalent of the experience I had of stepping on and killing a live mouse in the church parking lot a few weeks ago. Well, not that disgusting but just as upsetting. I have created a monster.
This wasn't a bullet point on my parenting power point. I was very specific in the whole strategic planning parenting session. I want to be the fun mommy who makes cupcakes and goes on field trips. The one who hosts princess parties and sits in the front row of all her little recitals. I want to be the one to put her hair in a ponytail and get her dressed in the morning and be the one who picks her up from preschool. I never planned on being the computer obsessed workaholic role model who drives her child into burnout by the age of two and a half. I know that I am focused and a little intense sometimes but its hard to see how that looks in a tiny living mirror. I wish I could just tell Fiona, "alright crazy, chill out, VTech doesn't need a new baby genius to hack all their games." But my ultimate frustration is with myself and how the attempt to be perfect looks like in the form of a two year old; like complete ridiculous madness. But before I warn her she is going to be the first toddler in a white padded room if she doesn't take it down a notch it might be up to me to chill out, turn off the technology and accept that I am being the best mom and the best pastor I can be while trying to balance it all.
