Even before the Missional Leader Conference this past October I have been struggling with what as a young person feels like the (in)compatibility of the institutional church and living a life as a disciple.
Just a heads up that I think this is probably going to be a theme of many blogs I will post...
I have a very specific vision of God's call for me as a Disciple. So here it is in a blogshell (little pun):
To do justice.
To speak the truth even when it makes skin crawl and eyes roll because how can we possibily progress if we refuse to talk about ambiguously labeled taboo topics. To stand in solidarity with those who have no voice by listening and translating to their message as best I can to those who otherwise could never hear.
To give without expectation.
We are all given so many gifts. It's easy for me to think I am owed something for sharing them or that I should only give under certain conditions but really all that we have and all that we are was never ours to begin with. Our money, our possessions, our gifts, they are all given to us by God and I am not entitled to any rewards, any outcomes. But I am required to share without expectation.
To make mistakes and learn from them.
I cried today at communion. Well, not all the way but my eyes were watery and I had to pull it together quickly. It was the act of handing a person bread, touching their hand just slighty, and whipering "May you live in peace, knowing that your sins have been forgiven." About the millionth time I said it I started to lose it. To live a life and believe that you have been forgiven liberates us to become more fully the person we are called to be because it creates the grace we need to take risks on others and risks on ourselves.
And in all this, love people.
Not for who you want them to be or who they will become but just as they are. All while realizing that we are all fluid beings progressing and regressing, all while God's activity mysteriously flows around us. My mentor once told me, "Stephanie, be patient with people, realize we are all works in progress."
So, while it might seem like for me it was a great decision to have entered ministry, it is just as easy to lose sight of all of the above in ministry as in any other vocational field. Only, I would argue that its worse because we always talk about doing all of the above while we simulatenously build up walls that box us in from doing any of them well, if at all, and then for me it feels worse than if I had never even tried. We make up rules about membership, we fight about everything, we spend all of our money on a building, we get together every Sunday but nothing really ever changes. And then we have conferences, and meetings, and workshops about why no one new wants to come be a part of our club...
I am not trying to slam the church or invalidate anyone's salvific church experience but these are the realities that all congregations face when trying to be disciples in a church. Come on, I am a pastor! I have more to lose than anyone here. But I signed up for much more than Sunday morning (I gave my life to Christ not just the church) and all I know is that for me I want to find or create or do something different and I think there might possibly be one or two other people in the world who are also searching (fingers tightly crossed) but that I have absolutely no idea what it looks like. None at all. And the reality is that its hard to think about what that might even be without thinking you would lose all that is 'church'...and I am not sure I want that either.
Dear very mysterious God.....It seems like the harder I try to follow you the more lost I get. I would like to request one of the following. What I need is a picture. Or a sketch artist. Or an address I can mapquest. I am looking for the place that is on the corner of Church Street and Discipleship Avenue...
~Insert sound of crickets~
Maybe we could start with this: A sacred space with no walls. Where we fellowship through text and we worship at dinner tables. Where offerings are taken for friends who need health procedures they can't afford or strung out parents need a night out. Where we watch television sitcoms to laugh at our lives and we read Facebook status' to know each others whereabouts. Where there are no members, only an open circle of friends. Where we hold each other accountable to follow through with our wishes and our dreams; that we might give more than we take from this world because in the delicate structure of our community we are holding one another up and in our belief we have nothing to fear, in our faith we have nothing to lose.
