I have a problem. I can't stop talking about Evergreen; what it was like, how they did things, ect. Every time we sit in a meeting at Hope or I have a conversation with a person I will inevitably bring up something about Evergreen. I am annoying myself so I can only imagine how the people around me feel. Maybe something like, "If you say 'At Evergreen' on more time we are going to put duct tape on your mouth and lock you in your basement office." That is a clue in case I suddenly go missing.
It was a big joke around the office before I left that after I was gone they would blame everything that was wrong on me by saying, "Oh, that was when Stephanie was here..." They even made T-Shirts. They made mine with a gemstone crown on it which might be a heads up for the people of Hope. With all the focus on the talk about Evergreen without me I never really thought about me without Evergreen. And I definitely didn't imagine that I would now be contemplating starting a coin jar or wearing a reminder bracelet that I am at Hope now and that I need to stop talking about Evergreen.
I knew I would miss Evergreen-what a great church, what a great community! It is hard to leave after you have been so connected but even more than dealing with the basic issues of separation, I am now realizing how formative my experience at Evergreen has been in my own style of ministry. In many ways it was my first appointment. A place I made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot of lessons. The community that first accepted me for just who I was and has now given me the confidence that I can be who I am now in a new context. The congregants who believed in me and the amazing things that God can do through me. At Evergreen...
I read an article by a long time United Methodist clergy who spoke about how the itinerancy system fails to take into account the grieving that takes place on both ends when a person is reappointed. They commented that there is never any scheduled time for people to grieve before they are expected to jump on the horse and begin a new journey. I think he was referring to the space in between, where we lay to rest what has been and prepare for what is to be. Maybe the best way to deal with transition is to dive right in... Or maybe this clergy person is right when he says we all need a few weeks away to grieve the loss of a community before we are ready to embrace the new.
I don't know what the perfect way to transition would be but I kept wondering why I felt so tired when I just started this new thing; shouldn't the adrenaline and excitement of new possibilities carry me through for at least a month!? But his article made me reflect on the fact that letting go is an emotional process and that saying goodbye doesn't end with a moving truck but with the passing of time and the slow return of that feeling of home. People of Evergreen, I miss you everyday.
People of Hope, contrary to how many ever times you hear "At Evergreen..." come out of my big mouth, I know and embrace that my future is in Hope. I see you as a determined and powerful people and while there may be some bumps in our road, together I believe we will do amazing things. The hardest thing for me to sort through has been to come to terms with the reality that I both miss Evergreen and am excited about being at Hope. It has meant sitting with the truth that missing Evergreen doesn't mean I don't want to be at Hope and that being excited about being at Hope doesn't mean I don't miss Evergreen. But in many ways it is exhausting, to grieve a loss and embrace a new beginning. And perhaps, in a situation such as this, the best thing I can do is to wade in the middle of the messiness of my emotions and let God's hand guide me through the fog towards the time when this too will feel like Home.
