Motherhood of All Achievers

I was recently asked by a woman if I had any resources for new mothers struggling with issues of identity. After some quick flipping through my mental Rolodex I realized that only thing I could come up with was my own blog, incredibly narcissistic and considerably unhelpful, I know. But in the midst of flashbacks to those first months home alone with Fiona, greeting John with tears of exhaustion as I handed over this new little human before he could even close the front door, I drew a blank.

I should have been able to think of millions of books, magazines, or support groups. I mean, I am the person who researched the ethics and sociology of motherhood for at least a year before caving in to those screaming hormones that trumped all the feminist literature and logical arguments many books told me about the insanities of motherhood in our culture. In the end, my incredibly thought out reasoning for the decision boiled down to one sentence, "I wanted to be someone's mama."

At the time of this woman's inquiry I imagined that later on, after some thought, helpful resources would enter my mind....but here I am, still, drawing a blank.

I don't know about you but it seems like after motherhood arrives there is little time for books, or reading, or showering. Reality takes over and all the books seem incredibly unhelpful for the obstacles and challenges that we face. (Sort of like those birthing classes but that's another blog post). What comes to my mind is not great authors with awesome insight or incredible answers to all of the issues new mothers face but more how individual each experience ultimately is and how alone that makes us feel when we are starting out.

Perhaps if we, as women, could overcome categorizing ourselves so viciously as working moms, single moms, older moms, younger moms, stay-at-home moms...and on and on. God forbid you are a woman who chooses not to be a mom. We just have this horrible habit of judging one another as if our culture didn't already do that for us. Why do we buy into all of it? Really? That we have to be better than someone else, that others should do it our way, and  if they don't, well they get what they deserve. It seems so heartless and critical and mostly, unhelpful. No wonder new mothers freak out about identity. In so many ways there is nothing we can do right, whether we nurse or formula feed, work or stay at home, we are destined to fall short of whatever moving ideal is set up for us to fit into at that moment. So what all of this made me come to was that our best resource would be other women....that the solution to our identity struggles is not in a book but in each other and our journey to overcome societal messages that separate us and to embrace the diversity of what it means to be a mother and what it means to be a woman and in that find the place of sacred connectedness.

So, here is my propositional brainstorming.

What if, as women, mothers or not, we ditch all the expectations and decide that its okay that we all act as women in the world in different ways. We measure out worth not by all the 'stuff' we do for others but for the creative expression of our love in this world. What would that even look like? If our identities weren't spread out across our children and our spouses, our jobs or our possessions but were cultivated and nurtured in our hearts and minds through acts of intentional self care and self exploration? It seems like if we had a more solid identity to begin with we would be comfortable that we see important things from incredibly different perspectives and that we make life choices that reflect these perspectives....Perhaps we could begin with a burning of Women's Health?