I have decided that I am a fairly jealous individual. Before I became a mom my jealousies were limited to silly things like weight. That was about it. But the whole mom role has turned me into this jealous maniac. I get jealous of mom's over the most ridiculous things. Like mom's who have clean houses. Or mom's who have nannies. Or mom's who drop there kids off at school wearing slick looking work out gear. Mom's with new cars. Mom's who can cook and who can convince their kids to go grocery shopping and not have to push around that stupid seven foot cart with the car attached. And mostly mom's who, as a luxury, can choose to stay at home with their children.
I think that for about the first year I was a mom I was ridiculously proud of becoming this mom who would do it all. Fiona's first weeks were spent in a sling with her mom sitting at a computer in the church office. The office manager and I took shifts walking her up and down the halls of the church to soothe her and get her to sleep. At six weeks Fiona went on her first mission trip. I preached sermons with her in the Baby Bjorn. She was the founder of Junior Youth Group which met simultaneously to Middle and Senior High Youth Group. She claimed a seat next to Pastor Todd in the sanctuary and is the reason the safe code had to be changed...I mean, if a one year old can crack the code...
Looking back on all our adventures together I am less proud and more embarrassed at my own level of insanity. We did fine. We had fun (mixed in with several mini nervous breakdowns) and most importantly we made it through. Both in one piece. But there are times when if nothing else it would have been nice to have a break. To not feel torn between being the best with a career and a child. And never really doing either as well as I would like.
I just am thinking about this today because my therapist made a comment this afternoon that I have lost my incentive for working the moment I had my daughter. Okay, my feminist friends don't get in a frenzy. Her point, as I interpreted for my own convenience, was that once you become a parent you are torn between two worlds but that neither one is completely fulfilling because they both have something to offer you and you to offer them.
I would be lying if I said that the only reason I work is in response to a deep commitment and passion for ministry but there are also financial realities which dictate my daily decision to wake up and do the impossible. Huge student loan debt, the desire to give your child the best education, monthly health insurance premiums, the cost of living in an area that has nice schools and neighborhood parks...It all means I have to be away from my child. That sometimes I have to miss Halloween parades and nighttime routines, morning kisses and playdates at the park. For me, it makes me bitter, and angry, and spiteful toward all the mom's that don't have to miss those moments because these moments pass so quickly and pretty soon we are all just lame mama llama's who must take our place as taxi drivers and relationship referee's and teen homework police and the embarrassing parents who don't understand anything because we are so stupid.
I just want to get to enjoy these times when being a mom and picking your kid up from school also means being a celebrity. That they actually want to be around you even if they must dictate every single thing you do during that time and after an hour you think "wow being at work is SO much easier!" So I need to find the incentive in missing out because its what I have to do and I don't want to be torn and hateful and leaving mean notes on other mother's new SUV's anymore...they are going to figure out its the crazy lady who hasn't showered, worked out, or done her hair since her last day off three weeks ago when they follow the coffee trail leading to the office of the insane associate pastor who thought it was so cool to do it all but is now curled up under her desk asleep with caramel corn falling out of her mouth.
