But in the midst of the pain each expression that comes onto the screen seems disjointed and confused, like a mispelled word or an unknown language. And I am left in a space of inadequate silence. Drowning in the current of an unexplainable cocktail of emotions. The totality of which ultimately has robbed me of my voice and left me only with the unpredictable visit of tears and the constant presence of this blank space in my head where nothing sensical seems to wish to take up residence.
On Thursday morning I woke up to a missed call. A message patiently waited that would make me lose my breath and close my eyes. Bryce, a beloved teen from my youth group in Evergreen, took his own life Wednesday evening. He was 17.
More than anything I feel prisoner to a limited and vague vocabulary. That the pain is so real and the loss is so deep that semantics can only mock the brokenness of my spirit and the shattered pieces of those who I surround. Perhaps a poem or a dance or a painting....
Since Bryce died I have seen him twice in my dreams. Each time I point to him and joyfully call out to him. And each time one of the parents of the youth touches my shoulder and tells me it's not him. That Bryce is gone. And each time I weep without end for the loss is as fresh and raw as the first time those words slammed against the drums of my ears.
A dear friend suggested today that I invite Bryce back to my dreams. That I greet his spirit and use his presence to say a better goodbye than the one I have had...for me, the most profound piece of this suggestion is that I would have to say good bye and cease to protest his absence. That this familiar dialogue of loud lamentations held in place with fruitless regret and the armor of denial might begin to crack as the peace of acceptance and march toward healing slowly begins to seep into this crumbling infrastructure of my own soul.
I miss you, Bryce. And it will be in the depths of my grief and the limitlessness of my sorrow that I will pray for a chance to have a better goodbye. I want you to know that you changed my life before you took your own. That I believed and believe that you are a beautiful human, uniquely made and perfectly created to be a blessing to all who were and remain a part of your life. I imagine the rest will be between us...between Bryce and I to sort out...as we swing our feet from the clouds and say that which can only be expressed in the languages of dreams.
